lives by mending

moved

2010-08-26T09:27:00.000-07:00

In less of a statement about blogger.com and more of an attempt to start afresh so I will actually write more, I have moved to ericborgh.tumblr.com. Come visit.

Hearing God in Old Testament Suffering

2010-06-22T22:29:00.000-07:00

(Here is a recent paper I submitted for Old Testament Genre. I found it really enjoyable and am pleased with the final result)

Introduction

We begin our Christian narrative in Genesis with the idea that God speaks. The world is nothingness and then God’s mystical creation begins via the spoken word. Ever since then humanity has been listening for that Voice. The ways we have heard Him are manifold. Throughout history, and specifically through Scripture, we have heard God speak through audible voices, angels, animals, signs, pillars of fire, bushes of fire, inaudible feelings, dreams, visions, plagues, humans, et cetera. The list could be nearly infinite. Books have been compiled, organizations founded, entire lives have been consumed (and rightfully so) with the intention of finding and hearing the voice of God. Thus, this paper will focus on hearing God in an experience that the Old Testament doesn’t skimp on. It is a common thread throughout all human experience and in this sense it is inescapable. It is the one thing that no one fears a scarcity of, for it is abundant: suffering. Suffering is thematic in the Scriptures and we find it startlingly emphasized in wisdom literature. This paper will take two figures in Old Testament wisdom literature, Job and the Psalter, and search their experiences for examples of how God speaks through their suffering. It will not, however, address God’s ordination, inability to change, or implication in the event of suffering nor with it grapple with the issue of theodicy.

Suffering is not an event that belongs expressly to the theologian or philosopher. It may belong more to the poet than anyone else. Only poetry has the evocative nature that honors the experience of suffering. Walter Brueggemann said about the book of Job: “This is dealing with bad stuff and you cannot be dealing with bad stuff in prose.” Contrastingly, Theodore Adorno wrote: "To write a poem after Auschwitz is barbaric.” There is truth in both statements. It seems unthinkable that in a world with such startling trauma we could put words to our experiences in anything other than stunned and stoic prose. But the Old Testament insists on this alternate script: “bad stuff” is for the poets. Annie Dillard captures this so well in her book Holy the Firm. She wraps poetry around experiences of nature’s violence, from a moth consumed by the flame of a candle to a little girl’s face tragically burnt beyond recognition in a plane crash. We know that these moments are sacred and meaningful, so we cannot be stoic. We must be impassioned and consumed by our grief. But why do we know these moments to be sacred? And if Sacred, does that mean God is present in all suffering? If so, then how might He be speaking? These questions bring us to our two examples: the poetry of Job and the Psalter.

Job

In the movie A Serious Man, the Coen Brother’s modern day retelling of Job, Larry Gopnik (the Job figure) asks: “Why does he make us feel the questions if he's not gonna give us any answers?” Unfortunately (or fortunately) for Larry, God never pounded down upon him from the heavens warning him to put on some pants and listen but in Job’s remarkable case God did. The Job narrative is a book that rightfully evokes both awe and fear simultaneously. It may very well be the dark well spring from where we get our vindictive images of God. Bets with Satan, seemingly meaningless suffering, and a God who asserts His dominance over a few men can make the book of Job into a depressing, saddening, and intimidating read. In this vein Folk singer David Bazan despairingly observed of God’s challenge, “When Job asked you the question you responded ‘who are you to challenge your creator?’ Well if that one part is true, it makes you sound defensive like you had not thought it through enough to have an answer or you might have bit off more than you could chew.” The weight of the book and God’s response to Job is almost enough to make a person wish God had never spoke (a wish shared by Jeremiah ).

In light of the book of Proverbs, Job confuses the reader further. Everything advocated before the Lord’s answer in chapter 38 seems to fall directly in line with Proverbs as a “how to” book in right living. “The LORD’s curse is on the house of the wicked, but he blesses the dwelling of the righteous” is a statement from Proverbs that flies in the face of the Job; Job is that righteous man. God even says so himself. In that vein, some even view the book of Job as one that flies in the face of any sort of Biblical morality other than that of distinguishing the difference between God and man. In Old Testament Theology, morality is not the answer to suffering. Proverbs 31 is well aware of this fact holding up one standard of morality for the King to not desire beer or wine then telling him to “Give beer to those are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish.” Looking back to Job, it is here that we see God speaking amidst suffering seemingly without empathy for Job’s condition. “Why do you talk without knowing what you’re talking about?” asks God. There is no suggestion or even consideration for how Job can alleviate his suffering. Is this the confusion and despair meant to be taken away from this book in hearing God?

Fortunately, this confusion is not the last word on Job and there is hope to be taken from his encounter, though the hope he is given is much different than what we typically want. This is an important theme to be taken from hearing God in suffering. God is entirely other and His voice may just be the thing that is the most unsettling. Job experiences disorientation; he has not slandered God by the end of the book, but he is explicitly complaining. He simply cries out “WHY?!” Job asks: why was I even born if this was the pain I was destined for? God doesn’t engage these questions except to ask questions in return. God’s questions are ones that Job has no way, no context to even begin to know. “Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Can you bind the chains of the Pleiades or loose the cords of Orion?” All these answers are not answers to us. Few of us proceed past these verses feeling comforted. God is a poor therapist. It doesn’t seem like He seeks to heal Job’s soul; God wants something else. Job offers silence but God responds by telling Job they are going to wrestle. The Liberation theologian Gustavo Gutierrez picks up the passage here and writes, “Yahweh refuses to let Job withdraw from the debate; Yahweh has more to say. Moreover, Job must get to the bottom of this matter; he must drink the full cup of protest.” Job goes two rounds with God and is done. His response is: “I had heard of you…but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself and repent.” This final remark from Job holds his epiphany and the key to this passage. He hears God. Gutierrez appreciates this ending and interprets Job’s response as one of understanding. Repentance is where God finishes his wrestling and Job finishes his complaint. This final note is a mysterious thing; Scripture doesn’t give a lesson summary for what Job had learned, what interacting with God felt like, or how he was going to live life differently. Hearing from God may very well have left him undone or perhaps full to overflowing. Much of Job’s final response is a reiteration of what God had told him and a summary of how they related. The bivy of words that came earlier are no longer; he is nearly speechless. What seems the most fitting explanation of Job’s interaction with God is that Job was stunned by the relationship and the knowledge that he had been given so suddenly. He is not unlike the prophet in this way, who hears God. He is very much like a priest who knows God and he mediates for his friends. He is kingly for now he has a restored kingdom. The answer that Job receives is a vision of God. It is not a direct answer, but it is the answer that fills all questions. As Robert Fyall wrote on Job, “For a proper understanding of the book it is vital that we discern the very heart of its message: we need to know and hear God.” This is the message of Job, that we can know and hear God amidst suffering. But, that knowing, may be more mysterious and undoing than the unknowing we knew before.

The Psalter

We don’t always hear God though, especially in times of suffering. At least, we don’t hear God in the way Job did. In fact, suffering is most often the time when God feels the furthest away. It is in the moments that we have lost the most and have the most to lose. There are few moments when we are as aware of our own souls than in the searing pain of suffering. In these moments, some of the most honest, beautiful, wide-eyed and broken art is made. Hence in modern American history we have beautiful music like Jazz and African American Spirituals. In Scripture, there is poetic lament. There is even a whole book of scripture called Lamentations dedicated to dealing with sadness over exile. Delving into lament as a whole is undoubtedly outside the scope of this paper but we may catch a quick glimpse of how the Psalmists dealt with their grief through poetry.

Poet Ann Weems wrote, “There is no salvation in self help books; the help we need is far beyond self. Our only hope is to march ourselves to the throne of God and in loud lament cry out the pain that lives in our souls.” This is precisely what the Psalmist does. It is a position of vulnerable emoting, digging down into the truth of one’s soul and laying it bare. Not once, in the book of Psalms, does God respond. Yet, over and over, for well over half of the book, are poems filled with “How Long O Lord?” “Make haste, O God, to deliver me!” “My God, My God, Why have you forsaken me?” Expression is a necessary function of sorrow. In this place God invites whomever, the impoverished and the rich to voice their oppression.

It seems important to note that the church today has consistently denied this invitation. It is a curious thing that when Scripture as a whole speaks of such dramatic disruption that it would settle in unholy obsession on Proverbs, the prayer of Jabez, and the rapture. It is not surprising, as NT Wright has recently noted, that we have a very narrow view of heaven. It is almost like our imagination of the human experience has rejected everything contra “happy.” The “abundant life” and the “joy of the lord” is a lie if it leads us only to a 401(k) and “a smile Jesus loves you” bumper sticker. It is no wonder that Liberation Theology has emerged without much involvement from Evangelicalism. We have lacked the imagination or honesty to take part.

To begin to imagine how we can hear from God in a Lament it is helpful to look at a specific Psalm. Psalms 69 is a worthwhile example, in which David laments the prevalence of his enemies. David writes: “Save me, O God! Mighty are those who would destroy me. O God you know my folly. My prayer is to you, O Lord. Deliver me from sinking in the mire. Let not the flood sweep over me. Let the heaven and earth praise him. For God will save Zion.” He lets God know in no uncertain terms his heart’s state. It is important to know there is no method to the Psalms except to speak the truth of one’s present situation and of who God is. David does this by pointing to his enemies and telling God, “They’re after me!” He desperately needs help. There is no mincing of words and no lack of hope. He knows God has the ability to save him from the situation. The Psalm doesn’t only have a complaint but it contains David’s confession of sin, plea for destruction on his enemies, and praise for God. It is a holistic approach to lamenting expression.

Walter Brueggemann has much to say about the necessity of lament. Through their many exiles and specifically their experience in Egypt the Israelites had developed a necessary system of lamenting being trapped in oppressive systems. “The community of ancient Israel understood that silence kills…As a consequence, Israel devised an astonishing culture of lament, complaint, and protest, a culture that functions as a life-giving alternative to every hegemonic attempt to enforce silence.” In fact, this may be the key to our own culture of silence within the Western church. In our attempt to be the “church triumphant” living the “abundant life” we have been scared by both these Job and the Psalms of lament and the experiences they evoke inside of us. It has been an understandable fear; it is a dangerous and dark part of the faith. But this culture of silence and lack of lament may very well be our rejection of God in our suffering.

With or Without You

Suffering is abundant in the Old Testament. The difficulty is learning to reconcile these two experiences. The first is Job. He goes through incredible suffering and is confronted by God in the end. Job’s questions (as well as our own) are never answered except with: “I’m God, you wouldn’t understand.” The Psalter’s lament, on the other hand, is not answered (at least not within the text). So Scripture gives us these two examples, one of the unbearable voice of God and the other of His deafening silence. So maybe this in itself is saying something about God’s communication through suffering. The mystics contribute an answer with their concepts of via positiva and via negativa (put simply: seeing God where He is present, positiva, and where He is not, negativa). In light of these two concepts Job is via positiva. God is present, He is there and speaking. Traditionally this doctrine sees God as present in nature. Applied to Scripture, it sees God present speaking directly into and amidst suffering. This may sound like a wonderful solution to the loneliness of suffering but to hear from God directly can be unbearable, leaving us wide eyed and stuttering like Job. The Quaker Thomas Kelly described this experience: “It is an overwhelming experience to fall into the hands of the living God, to be invaded to the depths of one’s being by His presence, to be, without warning wholly uprooted from earth bound securities and assurances, and to be blown by a tempest of unbelievable power which leaves one’s proud self defenseless.” He notes he now knows why Pascal, in the midst of his greatest moment, wrote the single word “Fire.” God’s revealed presence is consuming.

Via Negativa on the other hand sees God where he is not. God is in silence. “Via Negativa plunges the seeker into the abyss of the Godhead ‘where absolute stillness, utter silence, and unity reign,’” says Capps and Wright. It is here that God is much more difficult to find because He is not speaking. The church has labeled this place “the desert.” It is where we find God where we don’t see Him. We learn about God and our need for Him by experiencing His felt absence. Whole spiritual traditions have been founded on this principle. There is an inward turn that teaches us more about ourselves and of God than we could learn without suffering. He is there, even when He is not. Though this is no therapeutic tool and is not much of a comfort, it adds richness to our suffering that wouldn’t be there if we only saw His absence as absence. This is the most common of our present experiences, the silence of prayer. It is to be expected. While most of us prefer a Job-like experience (perhaps because we have never been confronted like Job), these are moments of rich transformation. The Psalmist minces no words when it comes to his suffering, but holds an abundant hope. Even ending Psalm 22, where the author begins “Why have you forsaken me?” he ends “For he has not ignored the suffering of the needy…The whole earth will acknowledge the Lord and return to him.” He knows how God has saved in the past and looks forward to a place of abundance.

God speaks through a myriad of means in the Old Testament. But amidst the prevalent suffering of Israel we hear Him speak to them often verbally and quite forcefully. Though sometimes, instead, the response is silence and the silence itself can be a means of God’s communication. In it we learn something very meaningful about the person of God and ourselves. I end with a quote from C.S. Lewis, “But pain insists on being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscious, but shouts to us in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

Dear Wife

2010-05-29T15:58:00.001-07:00

Dear Wife

I have no bucket. I cannot find one. No, I am not blaming you this time, for misplacing or re-appropriating it. The fault is mine, or the fault of some divine or demonic illustrator who forgot to pencil me in one, otherwise erasing it. Dear Wife, your spilling is messy and I am wet. Your tears and sadness filled up my thimble, torrential. And I cannot find containment for the sadness that I am often blessed to be given. You deserve a dam. Concrete walls firm, yet forgiving and rubbery like my oft stolen rain jacket. Though, I believe Hoover or Cooley's thirst would soon be satiated and overflown. Dear Wife, your sadness is sacred and I quickly profane it, throwing my thimble at you. I know your sorrow's tanninic springs to burst forth from entropy yet come from a source, well reasoned as Pythagoras. Dear wife, I do not have a bucket. I cannot find one. I will search one out.

Writers Block

2009-12-31T11:39:00.001-08:00

For the past four years I have had a serious case of writers block. Writing isn't the same as it used to be. I think I need it though. Like I desperately need to organize and document my thoughts with the hope of making sense of my past and present. One of my childhood friends has recently begun dating a girl whose father recently passed. She has been using blogging as a way to share the deep grief that accosts her on the freeways, in malls, and in the closets of her house as she learns what holding the loss of her father feels like. I think that it is heavy and scarring. It can and should be no other way. But I'll save my exploration into a theology of pain and grief for another day. Well except to say that a few months ago I found myself at the Blue Dog Coffee House with a friend from grad school. Therapy and life have kind of left him a mess recently, and understandably so. Life just kind of wrecks. But we were talking about pain and how he just couldn't wait for the day when he didn't have to feel the burdens he's been feeling as of late. I mentioned that I don't think grief ever goes way. You just learn to hold it differently and that's good. I mean, I kind of feel like Scripture talks about being able to grieve and feel joy, not just the later.

I have begun to realize that my inability to write is near to my inability to grieve. I have a difficult time articulating my sadness. Even in an environment which is bent on evoking it in me.

Unemployed and Playing Frisbee

2009-08-04T18:56:00.000-07:00

I hadn't played frisbee for a year. What a unsettling thought. I believe there are few things I feel completely immersed in when doing. Frisbee consumes me when I'm playing it. In a good way.

So it was with great anticipation and ease that I found myself on a field in Interbay; watching the regulars trickle in for a Friday afternoon game of Ultimate. Only software developers, consultants, and the unemployed come to games like these. It's eeking past noon on a Friday.

A lady and her dog elite on the field. I watch in my parked car, enveloped by the greens and shadow of a tree. The dog bolts. I watch amused at his antics. He chases birds. Larks, I believe. They fly low inches above the ground swooping up as if ramping off something invisible, settling again inches off the ground at twenty miles an hour. The dog chases. More larks. The dog grinning can't make up his mind which one to chase. But he chases. I chuckle to myself, loving the dogs wreckless abandon.

A poet once described another dog as "intently haphazard." I smile and leave my car behind to chase floating disks.

Hakiu for a Memorial Day Visit to a House on the Sound

2009-05-22T17:08:00.000-07:00

Puget
I anticipate
A spell of rest with you
Precipitate
Don't

I don't like Earth Day so much

2009-04-22T17:41:00.001-07:00

I have tracked with the environmental movement for the past five or six years. It's been a rewarding experience all in all. But my views in matrix to those commonly held by an environmentalist and whatever their polar opposite may be are simply paradoxical looking at it from a political standpoint. I think I tend to classify myself as a moderate because I watch both conservatives and liberals do things that flush out rage from me. In example I'm reading a book about the political history of old growth redwood forests and I read as a 1980s Reaganomics Shark bought out one of California's best logging companies to turn it into a shareholders, profit focused company (bad thing for trees, they kind of take their sweet time to grow and Wall St has about a quarter's worth of foresight). And I read as EarthFirst! destroyed people's livelihoods for the sake of activism and giving their sorry lives purpose. Also, the cuteness of the spotted owl probably added to it. Then as they demonstrated against loggers a man died in an accident, and their response was "You win some, you martyr some" indicating that he was a necessary death. This has kind of killed earth day for me. The politics and mindless politics behind the "green movement" makes me feel violent inside. One of my biggest problems is while Coal is still ok in the US, which is horrifically pollutant, we oppose Nuclear reactors. And then we advocate solar which outputs about the same energy in its lifetime as it takes to build it which nullifies its worthwhile as anything but a solution to get you off the grid. Everybody has their own agenda because Capitalism is militant. Ol' Chucky Darwin was in the wrong field, he was describing economics when he discussed the "survival of the fittest." So, in response, I believe I espouse to a distinctly Christian belief of economics: use what you need, give sacrificially, we are to be stewards of creation.

My incoherent rambling aside, I think this Earth Day should be used to think critically about this green movement. I would advocate a simpler life style, one that understands man's mortality by focusing on a more local economy. But, favoring the earth over human life (which is what is easily seen at the heart of the green movement) is wrong and to be quite honest I feel very manipulated by this whole global warming kick. I have yet to see compelling evidence that it's a problem and that CO2 is to blame. Though I do agree that we should release less toxins into the air. Instead of focusing on maintaining capitalism by feeding the greed beast and worrying about retirement, I think the answer should be for the American people to live within our means and to buy locally. To live simply, not to stop using the earth responsibly. I would advocate with the 100 mile diet crew. With Wendall Berry too. Locally grown food and manufactured items are much better for the environment, are more easily monitored for fair trade practices, and makes us realize that we can't consume everything. Happy Earth Day.

Hereditary Disease

2009-04-03T21:26:00.001-07:00

I remember finding out. I've approached death and suffering with a sort of dizziness that you only experience when you've been woken up out of a deep sleep and you either have to pee, smell smoke, or are camping and hear a large animal next to your head. This was the bear snout separated from my head by inches and vinyl while me and my six other friends were positioned in a five man tent two miles away from a back road in the wilderness. They were all still asleep and we could be safe, but then again we could be screwed. I remember the first time it happened. It was just after Christmas my freshman year of high school. I was sitting on my newly acquired skateboard talking to some friends when my head had this sudden shock. This shock was like someone from behind had attached diodes to my left hemisphere and decided to tweak with a lobe of mine. I was fine, coherent, my 14 year old friends laughed and agreed with my panic that something was wrong with my head. Warmness and numbness followed. In ten minutes it went away but its happened a couple times a year ever since. It was two years later when I got an MRI. The doc said I was fine.

I remember how she left us. We could be seen walking through a shop in a mall in a northern city. We saw an upside down broom head shaped like a porcupine, I wondered at it. She said that it was for cleaning our shoes. Which reminds me of the next home I would live in where I tracked dog shit all through their house and stifled tears I 409ed it out of their carpet. We rounded the next corner and the train hit. She collapsed on a couch. "oh God. oh God." She was gone. My eleven-year old self hadn't yet found consolation in the consumerism of doilies and hand painted signs that the shop had to offer. Maybe if I was a bit older, in my thirties, I would have walked up to the counter with arms full of tear stained, newly found treasures and charged it until I had a worse credit line than the U.S. Government. But instead I found consolation in the black security guard that drove us to the hospital. My mom had gone to the doctor before about her headaches. They said she was fine.

So now I occasionally feel pressure in my head. Not necessarily a head ache per se, but just pressure. So, I'm a bit worried, it being hereditary and all. It is interesting living life like this. I've been to the doctor, he says it couldn't hurt to get another MRI. He doesn't sound convincing, only a bit worried. We both know my head isn't supposed to feel like this. I still feel the weird shocks on occasion. It makes me wonder if the train is going to hit me. That one day I am going to feel a tap on the shoulder, turn around and pause. There's the train inches in front of my nose. I have time for one thought. What will it be? Will I think of my wife? My friends? Will I cry out to my God. Will I shout a slurred war cry of "Redeem me!" as my brain surges and contracts with electrical energy and a slurry of blood and water fills the cracks in my brain. Could I squeeze out a quiet "I love you" to who ever is in ear shot? What would my soul desperately throw above the surface before it was buried at the bottom of the sea. At least, until there are no more seas.

As I could be approaching potential death I consider the hereditary disease that threatens to kill all of us. Sin, this death that tweaks and breaks us, is like a inward leprosy, where we stop feeling in the integral parts of ourselves. We're all dying, and our culture has bought itself a credit card as a weapon to convince itself that this isn't true. When the train hits, I hope that last moment is an exhale, no desperate moan of last sentence but that I would be able to accept my mortality humbly and with a sly smile trusting in a firm hope. That hope is this: that I am a good creature that has been broken by sin both individual and communal, sin that preceded me and and initiated by me. And that though broken, I have been given this blessed news: God fixes our death.

Rehashing Reading

2009-03-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

I have a list up in my kitchen with the books I have read so far this year. I notice that I tend to forget things so I am practicing reiteration. As well as if you have read any of these books I would enjoy discussing them with someone else.

I am on my way to hitting my goal of reading 40 books this year. Not a huge task but one I am taking seriously nonetheless. Here's what I have read in the first three months:

Acedia and Me by Kathleen Norris

Depression is everywhere in today's culture but it's not a 20th century invention. The monastics were dealing with it a long time ago. Norris does a great job chronicling her acedia (loosely: depression or slothfulness) as well as the recent death of her husband. It developed an interest in me (begun by Ian Osborn's book about Monastic treatments of OCD) in Monastic dealings with mental illnesses.

"Jesus reminds us that it is not proficiency that heals us, but faith, and faith does not traffic with success or failure."

Stars: ***

Prayer by Stanley Grenz
A basic book on prayer. I was a little disappointed in ol Grenz here. I wouldn't recommend it unless you know nothing about prayer or are a new Christian. Like if you know the ACTS model of praying you don't really have to read this book.

Stars: *

Persepolis by Marjane Strapi
Yes this is a movie, and while the book is a graphic novel you're probably thinking "oh I can get away with watching the movie" you're being lazy and just need to read (this comic book) like the rest of us. It's the autobiography of the author's childhood in Iran, dealing with civil unrest, wars, and a conservative Islamic government.

Stars: ***

Practice in Christianity by Soren Kierkegaard
I never knew Kierkegaard spoke about something other than a leap of faith. That's literally all I had ever heard in reference to him. And now that I have begun reading him I really am impressed. He's a rival to Lewis in my book. To read him you need to know a few things. First he writes under different pseudonyms. These pseudonyms take on different personas. And that the reason was because he believed in the romantic idea of irony. Which I still don't understand completely. And that he kind of wrote to refute Hegel. And that his serious passion was convicting nominal Christians. You really should read him. But know it won't be an easy read nor a one book venture. I found it required a lot of back story to understand him.

"Direct recognizablity is specifically characteristic of the idol. But this is what people make Christ into, and this is supposed to be earnestness...No, one does not manage to become a Christian at such a cheap price!"

Stars: ****

The Road- Cormac McCarthy

A post apocalyptic world. Most of the world has been destroyed by nuclear war. Anarchy is everywhere. A boy and his father go for a leisurely walk. Highly Recommended.

Stars: ****

Symmetry and the Beautiful Universe by Leon Lederman

The universe is very very very very symmetrical. The universe is very very very symmetrical.

Stars: *

How to Brew by John Palmer

If you want know know beer...not just how to make beer but to understand how to respect it, read this book. Or Beeradvocate.com. But this book was stellar and very readable. Best of all, because it was free. The guy posted it online, just google it.

Stars: ****

Life of Pi by Yann Martel

I learned a lot about how to live in a boat with a tiger which I really appreciated because I somehow feel it will come to use. The ending was so dumb and it lost a star because of it. Stupid ending.

Stars: ***

Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

A must read for all psych students. A world renowned psychologist and a holocaust survivor that's like having a quarter back who can throw, run, and punt.

"We need to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life - daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and right conduct."

Star: unstarable

Soren Kierkegaard's Christian Psychology by Christopher Evans

Good book, I would really recommend this one but I found a better one.

stars: ***

Confessions of a Reformissions Rev by Mark Driscoll

I'll admit the guys alright. I think he's an ass but an ass that I would have over for dinner or watch a chicken fight. Something either very Christian or very Monstertrucky (read: white trash). That said, he levels a valuable critique on the church that we all need to hear. He's hot headed and quick to repent on stuff he's convicted about and stuff that the Christian community as a whole convicts him about. I struggle to, but I do respect the man. This book is the story of his church.

Stars: ***

Kierkegaard's Philosophy by John Douglas Mullen

Go with this guy. I just finished it yesterday but I was a very meaningful read. I deleted bricks (my only game) off my cell phone because of it. It was that convicting. I read it because I found a couple of recommendations for it in psychology and other kierkegaard books. A really engaging summary of Soren's beliefs and context.

"Anxiety is a necessary part of genuine human life. It is the other side of the coin which contains human freedom."
"But as a matter of fact, every person to some extent, using some device, attempts to alleviate his own anxiety by relinquishing somewhat his genuine humanness."
"From the aesthetic point of view Abraham was mad; from the ethical point of view he was evil. Religiously, he was a hero."

Stars: ****

Well that's what I've read thus far. Twelve books in three months. Nothing mind blowing but I'm ahead of schedule. Please comment and discuss if you've read any of these. I probably should just join a book club for this but, heck, it fits my context at the moment.

And just a heads up, the next books on my list are:

Dakota- Kathleen Norris
Brew Like a Monk- Stan Hieronymus
In a Dark Wood- Alston Chase

Language

2009-03-27T22:32:00.000-07:00

Someone said tonight that language is inept at describing what the culture is unable to deal with. The example was made that a conference was being held in Ethiopia with forty native counselors taught by Americans and the word masturbation was said. The translator did not have a way to translate it because culturally there was no description. They did not talk about it. I immediately thought of our English word "love." What an unfortunate word; that we would be confined, in our culture, to describing the holy and the profane as the same. Our culture is impotent to differentiate. I immediately had a second thought. How desperate we are then for poets. We need translators who can think critically and speak truth and the appropriate texts into the appropriate places.

Trepidation

2009-03-18T20:59:00.000-07:00

I have recently witnessed a pagan confessional. I noticed how much healing came out of a poetic recollection of this mans sins although he knew nothing about redemption, at least not in a salvation sort of sense. This guy got up and recited from memory for an hour and a half. Though I doubt it was so much memory as it was reading the braille of his soul. I wish us protestants were as willing. His piece, titled "no one can fix you" was another ironic twist. His conclusion was that only he could save himself. I feel the need to part from him there.

Here is the beginning of my confession father. mother. sister. brother. Whoever you are.

I think that I as a person have felt a lot of rejection moving to Seattle. I no longer find myself safe. Historically it takes me years to settle into a place and make friends. So I find myself off balance because I draw so much of my identity from community. Alas, while some people form their disposition to life out of autonomy I think I have begun to see how I base mine on others. What made me realize this is prodding into a newly established insecurity and fear. I fear others. I stutter a lot and tremble in even silly conversations. This is alleviated by a wonderful wife and her support, I see my need, once again, to fear God.

I also have established a fear of writing and art. I can see a steady decline in the quality of my guitar playing and my writing has been rare. I feel called as a Christian to participate in artistic ventures but I have often fled these callings to find solace in facebook or the next episode of lost. I hope tonight is a turning point.

Red Hot

2009-03-12T17:24:00.000-07:00

On Communal Living

2009-01-20T18:30:00.000-08:00

In the past months Becca and I have been contemplating a change in our living conditions, in our way of life. We are contemplating to choose to live in some sort of communal, co-op housing. The reason why I am writing this is because I know that many out there have similar thoughts. While I respect an introverted personality and the need for silence and solitude within the rhythms of life (I need alone time myself), I think the western ideal of personal space has been contorted into a mass (read: all of America) exodus into the autonomy of so many living alone in apartments, condos, and even houses. What an economic waste for one person to inhabit 3000 sq ft all to his or herself. But, I doubt I am telling you something you don't know. But as a part of this, We realize that we want to explore living in a less autonomous and more densely populated community than our own two bedroom, one and a half bath current situation. We could easily solve this by moving into a studio but we like the idea of sharing life together. This is something that is inherent about Christian community to me and it would be an interesting experiment, if you will, to test the waters.

A community is not envisioned by one person, it's something that happens as a creative act of several or many. Here are my thoughts and while I know many of you have already found and committed to a community and some are searching it is something I would invite all of you to help envision. Even if it does not culminate into anything, this will be an interesting exercise.

My thoughts have been around three descriptions of what would make this place; the reason, the mode, and the purpose. The first paragraph really describes the reasoning. The mode on the other hand would be a house, probably in the country outside of Seattle. I can see the benefit of having it in an urban setting but the picture in my head says that its further out, like 15-30 minutes from downtown. The house would have about 6 rooms and two to a room. We would share basic food expenses, ideally buying in bulk, in season and from healthier options. I estimate costs to be about $400 per person for food and lodging (give or take). We would share other expenses.

The purpose could go in as many directions as you want it. To live simply and within our means. To live better. To live in Christian community (in prayer and other spiritual disciplines). To share life together. To be a means of ministry to each other and to our community. The list could go on I'm sure.

This is an invitation to dream with me if you will.

Post New Monasticism Post

2009-01-12T16:42:00.000-08:00

In the past three months Becca and I have been giving thought to revising our way of life. I think we have kind of hit the road running with a rejection of the American dream which I believe can be identified as autonomy. Sure their are other elements to the concept of the American dream, but in the end I really do feel like it ends up as objectifying relationships and monetarily hemming ourselves in from experiencing any thing new. We insure. We possess. We garner vested interest. It's a lie that Americans buy to mentally defend from our fear, to convince ourselves that we are safe in our homes, in our 2.5 children, in our cars, in our boats, in our morning coffee, in our retirement, in our gravesbutdontfacethatreality. And we want these things all to ourselves. We want "freedom." I recently listened to a Pedro the Lion song; I could never divorce you....without a good reason. And though I may never have to it's good to have options. But for now, I need you. Thank God for poets. That said, there are a few directions I see these next few years taking Becca and I as well as I have a few ideas I'd like to toss around.

First, I think we're going to begin a one year communal living experiment this summer. My hope is that it will be for a long season, not just experimental. The vision is that there would be 8-16 people living in a house where we would share chores, space, cooking, life, prayer and beer. This would be in a house with 4-8 bedrooms. We would be able to shop cheaper, eat better, live in the tension of community...I'm kind of invisioning something from Muppet's from Space kind of living...we'd wake up every morning and sing a broadway song before we head off to our daily antics. Becca and I are tired of having an extra bedroom.

Secondly, I have been drinking a lot of Belgian beers in the past months and I have a dream to start a Trappist Brewery. Something like The New Monastic Brewing company. It would be spiritually relevant. We'd pray and be silent while we did our work and then live communally, and share the profits with orphans or another worthy cause. I think the first one would be a belgian double called Brother Theophilus. And then a Barley Wine called New Wine. (I've been reading Acts...and the first is a play on North Coast Brewery's Brother Theolonus which is a recommended drink). Anyways, I think I may start off some home brewing in the next few years. Drink better. Drink less. Give more. yeah?

Thirdly, I've been reading a lot about monastic ways to deal with mental illness; such as OCD or Depression. I'm really interested in it. I'll let you all know more. But I'm thinking that we Protestants need to do more in the realm of Spiritual Disciplines....we don't talk enough about rythems to life. I know Foster did some work...but the only other author to come to mind is Rick Warren and I don't think 40 days of Purpose counts as anything. But, I'm contemplating Protestant Spirituality as of late....we need more care for mental health. I believe I'll be writing more seriously at a later time on this topic.

Book List

2008-12-29T21:41:00.000-08:00

This next year I am committing to read 30 books. A little over one every two weeks. Not a huge goal but an improvement nonetheless. These are a selection of them and my goal is to balance these out in three different categories: theology, psychology, and literature/memoirs/history

/etc. As you can see, the psychology side is a little lacking. Definitely a lot on spiritual development and Biblical Anthropology.

BookList09

Practice in Christianity- Soren Kirkegaard
The Concept of Anxiety- Soren Kirkegaard
Symmetry and the Beautiful Universe- Leon Lederman
Acedia & Me- Kathleen Norris
Bread and Wine- Wendall Berry
Sex, Economy, Freedom, & Community - Wendall Berry
The Covenanted Self- Walter Brueggemann
Prayer- Stanley Grenz
Catch 22- Joseph Heller
The Road- Cormac McCarthy
Love and Responsibility- John Paul ii
Confessions of a Reformissions Rev- Mark Driscoll
Man's Search For Meaning- Victor Frankl
Reaching Out- Henri Nowen
Exclusion and Embrace by Miroslav Volf
Communion and Otherness- John Zizoulas
In a Dark Wood- Alston Chase
Culture of Fear Revisited- Frank Furedi
The Psychology of Happiness- Michael Argyle
The Life of Pi- Yann Martel
Decision Making in the Will of God - Garry Friesen
The Celtic Way of Evangelism- George G. Hunter III
Everybody Poops- Taro Gomi
The Quotidian Mysteries- Kathleen Norris

Honorable Mention (may get thrown in the mix at one point)
Unfettered Hope- Marva Dawn
Heuristics and Biases- Thomas Gilovitch
Team of Rivals- Doris Goodwin
No Compromise- Melody Green

Home

2008-12-23T07:11:00.000-08:00

I am back in my hometown. I have one set of clothes (southwest has lost our baggage). My existance is stradled between two homes and attempting to figure our place in the constalation of both. And I am engaged in the life and death effort of finding an automobile. Christmas.

We are going to attempt to make this a time of year to anaylze our priorities and direction. It is during this time of year, not unlike most other times of year in regards to stress and distractions, that we will gain a map to an intentional life. Well, this is a season of expectant hope isn't it? I recently read Thomas Merton referrencing his Trappist Brother's posture towards the Christmas season as something like their souls being a Bethlehem in which Christ can be born in.

It is my hope that we can find a direction for this next year. That Christ can invade my inclinations towards complacency and ennui and be born in that Bethlehem. Christmas. Hope culminates.

Beginning again

2008-12-06T20:05:00.000-08:00

I believe that there is there are certain disciplines you employ in lieu of other disciplines. For a while during my high school years I spent a great deal of time blogging. It was because I had a good deal of time on my hands and my community wasn't so great at pouring into me. Then I spent three years at Moody where I either didn't have time or the people around me knew my narrative well as I did theirs and we shared life together. But I need to revert to a different way to process my thoughts and high tech published diary keeping is undoubtedly the best way to accomplish this.

So here is a new dispensation of self disclosure. No longer on xanga because few inhabit it. This seems to be the blog of choice for scholars and I myself wanting to be a scholar, one day, had to follow suit.